Getting home later that night I took a good look at Femi and wondered how I would broach the topic up. Unfortunately I couldn’t. Femi is not so open minded and he is a bit on the conservative side. Even watching a movie with sex scenes in it often gets him a little uncomfortable (so i believe) and he is often found sighing or hissing his displeasure at such open and wanton display of affection. Don’t get me wrong about my husband he likes sex like the next guy he just isn’t moved by all the noise about it.
I was still carrying on like this for the next four months and I even deliberately missed our next gathering at Bukky’s house for fear of this topic continuing.
Until Titi came to visit me.
You’re avoiding me she says, not even giving me a moment to deny it or come up with an excuse. Immediately I begin to squirm in my shoes and I glance nervously around me like a thief in the night.
Femi is in his den I said knowing why she is here and I usher her towards the dining room where I know that we are out of earshot. So why have you been avoiding me she asks again.
I haven’t I defended myself. I have been busy. I said simply.
Yeah? Busy doing what she asked with disbelief clearly etched on her disapproving face. I give a slow smile and her eyes grow big in surprise. No! don’t tell me? She says with a growing smile on her face. Someone has been getting some something she says with a laugh.
Shh! I hush her to be quiet.
Tell me, tell me, tell me she says excitedly. I have been working on it and really putting my back into and …. Well it’s still a work in progress I say with a new found self-confidence.
The smile on her face vanished and she said ‘you’re not making any sense.
I smile inwardly because I know she doesn’t understand what I am talking about. In lay man’s terms please she says rolling her eyes at me.
I sigh quietly and gesture for her to sit down as I relate the recent events.
After our last meeting I kept on thinking about all that I had heard and my greatest problem was how to bring up the issue with Femi without hurting his feelings or creating a problem around it and I couldn’t just find a way knowing how conservative Femi is. Then one night after being unable to sleep Femi just asked me suddenly in the middle of the night, “what is the matter? Nothing I replied in the dark.
‘Look you’ve been keeping me up for the past two weeks now sighing and tossing, unable to sleep what is it? He asked exasperatedly.
I think there’s something wrong with me I answered miserably. Now that got his attention, and he sat up quickly. What is it; tell me he said with all seriousness. I take in a deep breath as I decide to go in all guns blazing. It has to do with something we never talk about and its eating me alive. What is it he asked quietly?
Do you still enjoy making love with me I asked him? I see him give a visible sigh of relief and he huffs. What do you want from me you this woman he says I thought you had one life threatening issue sef? You had me worried for a minute.
Wrong answer Femi, I hissed at him. You asked me what is wrong and yet dismiss it as soon as I bring it up. Why even bother trying to help me, I said angrily you might as well go back to sleep and leave me to my vigil. I said turning my back on him. As tears of frustration weld up in my eyes, I curse myself for going about it tactlessly.
After what seemed like an hour I felt him suddenly turn and snuggle up to me. You’re still awake he asked. And I nod miserably. Okay let’s talk about it he says tenderly. I sit up quickly as I grab onto this window of opportunity. I start to think quickly and talk slowly so as not to say the wrong thing that might jeopardize this moment. The first thing I say is “I love you Femi” I see him give me a puzzled look. I continue before he can say anything else. I want you to love me like you have never loved me before. He scratches his head as though unsure of what I am saying. Look what I am trying to say is that I want our love making to be more than it has ever been before.
Have I not been good to you he asked and I quickly answer you are wonderful but (here it goes) I don’t think I have been coming whenever we make love.
What do you mean you haven’t been coming?
It’s like whenever we do, I feel like am almost getting there but I don’t. I say finally. Are you saying that I don’t satisfy you? He asked and I can hear the hurt in his voice. No, no no darling I replied you do, you do I repeat severely it’s just that I don’t come whenever we make love I say firmly.
Femi says nothing and heads to the toilet. My heart is beating loudly in my chest as I wait for him to return. It feels like waiting for an exam result and my palms begin to feel clammy as I wait for him to emerge from the restroom.
He stands at the foot of the bed and says nothing as though considering the bed and its occupant.
So all this time…. He says and leaves his sentence hanging. I don’t think that I have been. I said in response.
Let me get one thing straight, he continued so when we’re doing it …. You fake it? He asked truly hurt now.
I hang my head in shame and say only because I don’t want to hurt you.
There is an intolerable silence between us as he continues to stand there looking at me in the dark I can’t see his face clearly due to my unshed tears which is threatening to fall but I can imagine his face which is either contorted with rage or disappointment.
I don’t believe this he says. Before I can say anything he continues so all these while you have been pretending with me? God knows what else you have been hiding from me. Are you sleeping around? He demanded. Is this what is bringing this up he asked, his voice is getting louder.
God! No! I replied I can’t keep it in anymore and I want to experience it with you at least for once in my life. I want to COME with my husband! I said bursting into tears of frustration.
He sits abruptly on the bed with his back turned on me.
The room remains silent again and the only sound is the quiet hum of the air conditioner. I continue to sniff quietly and gradually come to the realization that I need not be crying, I should not be apologizing for my inability to come during sex. If my husband cannot hear my cry for help then he is a selfish man. But then I have been the stupid one pretending to him all these while. Making him believe that everything is ok.
I wipe my eyes with the hem of my night dress and make to stand up from the bed. Where are you going he asks? As I shuffle into my slippers.
I am going to ease myself I say not bothering to stop as I head into the bathroom.
I stay in the bathroom for a long time thinking about what has transpired and I am sure that our relationship will no longer be the same again. I think about how betrayed he must feel and hope that I haven’t unmanned him with this revelation. I am so afraid that he will not want me anymore and we might be heading for a divorce. While all these negative thoughts were swimming in my head, I heard the door of the bedroom open and close. I come out of the bathroom and I see that he has left the room.
Disappointment envelopes me as I stand unsure of what to do next. A glance at the clock shows that it is two thirty in the morning and all traces of sleep has gone from me. I come to the realization that I might have just lost my husband all in my bid to enjoy sex more. What is wrong with me I chide myself why couldn’t I leave it alone and continue with the way things were? It wouldn’t kill me if I didn’t have orgasms during sex? Now I have put my marriage in jeopardy and I must face the consequences. I get into bed and wait for my husband to come back but he doesn’t and after a long wait I fall asleep.
I am awaken by his roving hands and soon we are engaging in our ritual of sex. The act itself is intense and desperate and at the end of it, we are both out of breathe and there is this question in his eyes. This time I do not have to pretend and I lower my gaze as I still do not come.
He rolls off me as though frustrated and says nothing. The moment is awkward and I am also at a loss of what to say or do to make it better.
A week goes by and we hardly talk. I can feel his pain. He is unable to look me in the eye and I likewise.
I can feel the gap growing and I feel as though I am losing him. I come to the realization that to keep him I must do something about my situation.
I mount up an intense research on knowing my body, I buy porn videos, I google up tips on achieving orgasm, I even visit the spa all in my bid to get myself ready. And lastly I turn to my bible reading the Songs of Solomon’ nothing sordid there but it has a calming effect on me and since I am that desperate, I figured that it can’t hurt to try. I take a couple of days from work and I decide to reflect and try to remember where it had gone wrong for me.
I guess my orientation to sex had something to do with my inhibitions and I struggle within myself to face the past. The truth is that I was abused as a child by a houseboy who didn’t have sex with me but fondled me during my formative years hence my guilt. I have never spoken of this to anyone and I think that this is where the guilt started from. This guilt had so grown in me that … it feels totally wrong for me to let myself go and enjoy sex to the maximum. I cried for that lost girl in me and my husband found me in that state when he got home.
He was clearly at a loss for what to do after I had poured out what was haunting me. And when he held me to him that night, I felt as though a heavy burden had been lifted up from me.
He was most caring and loving than I had ever known him to be and quite patient with me too. He confessed that he was afraid that he wasn’t being man enough to satisfy me and was afraid for our marriage. We comforted and consoled each other and made love like we had never done before and somehow the flood gates opened up and I CAME.
It was the most exhilarating experience and even though I was bemused I had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it was a one off! But it wasn’t as I came and again and again…
Right now I feel like a teenager who has just discovered sex for the first time and it feels great. Femi and I can hardly keep our hands off each other and it is almost embarrassing. Our relationship is better than ever and no, it doesn’t happen every time but whenever it does, it feels like coming home.