How is it possible, that you have never achieved an orgasm? Titi asked aghast. Do you even know what an orgasm is? She asked again holding her glass of wine precariously? Shhh! keep your voice down I warned feeling embarrassed and shy. Do you want to expose me? What the hell is wrong with you I said almost regretting telling her. Hey! There’s nobody here she responded giving me a side eye.
I was in her house at our usual gathering of once a quarter girls night out and the others hadn’t turned up yet. We were friends from assorted backgrounds some of us had met in high school, majority of us had met in the university and the rest were casual friends with same social settings. I was the first to arrive at Titi’s house as she and I were quite close and I needed to get this issue that was threatening to consume me completely off my chest. We were in her Kitchen and she had sent her domestic staffs away for the evening. It all started when I read an article about the different types and kinds of orgasm women can achieve and it seemed so easy and I felt like a freak for not having that kind of experience. I am even ashamed to confess that even with my husband I have never had an orgasm before.
Titi put down her wine glass on the kitchen cabinet while I continued. Could there be something psychologically wrong with me?
Look Sola, she said I cannot pretend to know the answer to that question but I will like to ask you a few questions and you must try to answer them as honest and be truthful to yourself.
Have you ever come by yourself or with anyone?
I immediately open my mouth in response but no sound came out. I was going to say no then I suddenly remembered that back in the university that I had an accidental orgasm with Mark a guy with whom I had, had the briefest relationship which none of my friends knew about because the guy in question did not publicly date me and I couldn’t tell anyone that we were sleeping together.
It was totally unexpected and unplanned and I was too blown away by that magical forbidden day.
Well back in Uni it happened only once. I said shyly. With Ose? Titi asked. No with Mark I replied.
Who is Mark? She asked and when I didn’t answer she playfully slapped my hand “you Slut!
I know that she is in awe rather than reproachful. When did you sleep with anyone other than Ose?
It’s a long story and it was an under G move I said. Smiling now, at the memory of that faithful afternoon.
But what about your husband she asked?
No nothing I replied shaking my head sadly. Does he know? She asked again. We don’t talk about things like that.
How do you know the difference? She asked me again. I am beginning to get weary of her questions I need answers. I need to know if there is something I can do to achieve this during sex and how is it even possible to have an orgasm while in deep sleep too.
I have been responsible for my own pleasures since I turned seventeen. I declared. So I think I know the difference.
Hold up she says holding her hand up. If you keep calling it pleasures you’re never going to have an orgasm. It is C.O.M.E. Just as she is about to elaborate further the others start to arrive and as noisy as they can be, head straight to Titi’s massive kitchen where we’re seated at the semi curved area of the kitchen.
As usual we make a lot of noise, feed one another with the latest gossips and trends and enquiries about what, and who has been up to.
I walk up to Titi and whisper to her, not to tell them about my problem with orgasm but that we should talk about it and I could perhaps learn a thing or two about it.
The revelations are a bit mind bugling even to me.
Claire starts first. So ladies what going on? Titi starts as though on cue. I recently read about the five different kinds of orgasm women have and how it can be practiced.
I notice some of my friends start to feel a little squeamish.
Bukky is the first to protest. Must we talk about this? She asked literarily squeezing her face.
Why? Asks Titi why can’t we talk about it? Is it so sacred amongst us African women who boast about having so much western exposure that we can’t talk about Orgasms?
It’s not that you know, most of us are married here and even the single ones amongst us don’t need to start hearing about our sexual relations she countered.
That’s the problem right here Titi jumped in. when you keep using words like “pleasure me, relations” and that thing” to describe what we are actually talking about which by the way is ORGASMS, makes me wonder when we will be living in this actual century. Many of the others burst into laughter as we all start to talk at once.
But seriously ladies’ Nnena said loudly catching our attention and gradually quieting us down. We should talk about it and be open about it.
I for one have no problem in that region and aspect of my sexuality. I control my come and I always find it a release from all tensions and issues. It’s like recovery to me. She said confidently.
Orgasms are supposed to make you relax and feel closer to your man. You get my drift winked Claire.
Well anytime I come it’s like how I feel when I get out of a warm luxuriating bath tub, you know like a three day vegetable. Titi said taking a sip from her wine glass.
Yeah! Chorused the others, whilst nodding their heads in agreement. I brood silently into my drink as I remain pensive. Am I the only one in this group that is unable to achieve such feat? Is there not something wrong with me? Titi looks at me and gives me the eye and I could almost hear her “say something before they descend on you.
Banke the ever inquisitive one amongst us says. What’s that look and why is Sola not talking?
Everyone turns on me at that moment and Claire says Yes Sola’ you have been very quiet’ what are you not saying she inquires quite intently.
I have no time to think before I blurt out. I feel guilty that I have to fake my orgasms.
Pssh! Spewed out Bukky. We all do!
For God’s sake it doesn’t happen every single time o! Except for some hype – women, I think. She says rolling her eyes.
Nnena is laughing as though remembering a private joke.
Nnena what’s funny I asked exasperated.
I’m just remembering one guy like that whom I dated way back in school who was always boasting that he could make a woman come by merely looking into her eyes.
Really I thought? If it was that easy why haven’t I met him and could it be that easy.
Really I asked them.
Come on silly, if it were that easy then women all over would be having orgasms all over the place. Nnena replied.
Ooh that’s not a good idea voiced Helen who like me, has also been silent throughout.
But seriously Ladies how is it that some women go through their life without enjoying the simple pleasures of coming during sex? Asked Bukky.
Well for some its female circumcision, others traumatic experiences and for most its family background. Explained Titi. I mean let’s face it our mothers told us enough horror stories about sex and even aunties and grandmothers and relations educated us from their limited sexual experience on how bad sex was and how it was a sin to engage in it. For some it’s the orientation, uncaring partner and what have you.
“You know what I remember back when I was a little girl and this aunty once told me I could get pregnant by just being in close proximity with a boy’ interjected Nnena.
Rolling her eyes “I guess what am trying to say is that many women are carrying on the guilt of actually allowing themselves to enjoy sex hence hindering their ability to achieve orgasms. Titi concluded.
This is serious o I never actually saw it from that perspective. Said Bukky I guess I am just lucky to be able to achieve it with little or no effort.
I had to be schooled voice Helen.
Really I blurted out. It was as though a light bulb had gone off in my head, please do tell us how that happened.
Do you remember Izu my boyfriend back in Uni, yes some chorused and I simply shook my head.
Well he taught me to achieve orgasms. She said simply.
How? I asked calmly all the while inwardly screaming at her.
There was a way he would tilt my pelvic up while we’re having sex, I look at her intently at her expecting her to continue and when she doesn’t I lose it. Then what? I yell at her. Claire and Banke burst into laughter and they both chorus ‘calm down Sola. I look away embarrassed at my outburst.
Well without trying to sound vulgar…. Come on be as vulgar as you want, said Titi, we are all half way to being drunk or tipsy already and we’ve already crossed the line when we started to compare notes. We are talking about orgasms ok there is no boundary here.
That train left the station a long time ago ok. Added Claire. So let’s help our sister here so that when she gets back home she can try a trick or two on Femi who by the way should send us thank you flowers afterwards. She said referring to my husband.
I give her a fake smile and turn to Helen.
Helen started to giggle like a little girl and suddenly covers her face with her hands. Am shy she laughed.
Look let me tell you, cuts in Banke what works for her may not work for you no two women are wired the same. I’ll suggest that you pleasure yourself during the act.
Ah! Squealed Titi. What is it with you women and the word pleasure? Pleasure yourself? Urrgh! She said rolling her eyes.
Don’t mind her continues Banke, determined to school me on. Touch yourself; think about that spot and it might just work for you. What spot I asked totally lost. She shakes her head as though weary of me.
You masturbate, don’t you she asked? I am almost too embarrassed to answer and I shyly hang my head.
Look we all do it even if we don’t like to admit it ever she said and raised a hand at Bukky knowing that Bukky was going to deny doing it.
I see Bukky open and close her mouth as though being told to shut up.
But won’t your partner feel guilty that he is not doing a thorough job? I asked. Keep asking that question and thinking that way you hear! She said firmly. Does he go down on you and are you …. Well? Well oiled?
I answered truthfully since my business was out there after all. He used to, and I feel like there is a gradual build up and am heading for that particular goal and then it always vanishes without completing its task. I said with a faraway look in my anguished face.
Look this is about you missing out on the greatest gift on earth, its bad enough that we carry a lot of baggage and the stress of being a woman, mother, wife and partner for some. That tension in us has to have an out let o! Banke says firmly.
Ok let’s get down to the nifty gritty Titi said, on a scale of one to ten how do you rate your arousal level?
I pause a bit and said lamely four’
Four? Gasped Nnena. That’s low girl. Is it that you don’t like sex? She asked.
Of course I do I replied. There is nothing I can do about it to raise that number.
Has it always been a four for you? Asked Claire.
No, I replied
Are you circumcised? Asked Banke.
No! I yelled in response aghast at such an audacious question. I am beginning to feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can hardly think straight. Could it be the wine because I am taking in large sips at every question that is thrown at me? Really I am almost wishing that the floor would open up and swallow me here.
Why did I ever bring up this topic and how am I going to live this down with these women?
Titi comes to my rescue hey! you babes should lighten up on Sola.
I throw her a grateful look.
It can’t be easy for her to talk about this with you all hammering on her. You know that sex most times isn’t all that it’s made out to sound by the world as it really is especially for we women and it’s not every time that it ends with a bang. You know that we wives sometimes have to have functionary sex just to keep things going and to keep our men happy even when we don’t want to and yawl know that there is no coming except its accidental and there are no hard feelings there.
It’s mostly a function of the mind. Said Banke.
Some attribute Orgasms to being in love Bukky said stirring her drink.
Are you suggesting that she is not in love with her Hubby asks Helen.
Oh don’t be such a fiend!
Look! Look! Look! There is no need to start arguing over me I said standing up. Let me establish something here I love my hubby and frankly speaking am not about to find me an affair or boyfriend who I think will make me come because, of all the sex I have had in the past none of them have been able to do that. The problem is not in finding love I already gat love and that is not helping me right now. I think I might be a little tipsy and I quickly sit down as soon as I finished talking.
Well maybe you should see a sex therapist.
Sex therapist? In this country? Honestly have you ever tried them? Mostly they just beat around the bush and never tell you what you want to hear or give answers to your questions directly. Banke added.
How do you know asked Titi, well from time to time I visit some site on the internet telling you they have answers to sexual related issues, many of them either want you to register or subscribe to their newsletters or buy books that they must have plagiarized or are simply agony aunties or even turn out to be religious inclined. They talk about everything except your problem and its often frustrating.
I really think you should bring this up with your hubby… suggested Helen. I cut in before she can continue. Aaarrgh I don’t think I can oh! For one thing he’ll start to wonder and question if he isn’t doing well with me. And like I said we don’t talk about this kind of thing.
I see Titi rolling her eyes at me again.
Maybe you should at least try you might be surprised or else you will continue to wonder about it forever. Not all men are unreceptive to this kind of situation with their women. He might even see it as a challenge and will want to be the one responsible for making it happen. Helen concluded.
The way you present the situation is also a determining factor here. Trust me you’ll thank us later for this. Chipped in Claire
I suck in air as I contemplate this in my head. Knowing Femi my husband he will wonder where this is coming from and he might even start to think of these women as loose women. I dare not even mentioned that it was discussed here. But then some part of me wonders if he knows that I have been faking it all this while wont it destroy our relationship?
I will see what I can do I said looking around at my friends. But you all have to help me out. I mean how do I broach the subject with him?
Trust me there is no easy way to approach this Titi says. Especially since you’ve both been married for like ten years now.
To be continued…. With proffered solutions from comments from readers.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.